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WMD's Found in Daily Diet Plan! (Weapons of Massive 'Dietception')
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Quick Fixes for the Sly Old Fox:
A. THE KITCHEN PANTRY
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We removed the lard and replaced it with 1 can of non-stick cooking spray. We also stocked the pantry with tasty healthy treats such as caramel flavored popcorn cakes, beef jerky and dried fruits, including prunes.
Unfortunately, Grandma managed to polish off two bags of the elvin cookies before we could rescue those. And it was a double whammy because the cat hid the duct tape.
B. THE BEASTLY FRIDGE
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We had to pry the rocky road from Grandma's withered, well-manicured hands and replace it with tangy orange sherbet.
Removed whipping crème and replaced with fat-free whipped topping.
Removed fudge topping and replaced with chunky applesauce and cinnamon. Sometimes Grandma likes to go wild with the cinnamon.
After examining the jar of cherries, we opted to leave those for Special Treat Time. At 10 calories each, they can't do that much diet damage.
C. THE TV VIEWING AREA
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: 3-liter bottle of soda pop replaced with Diet Vanilla Coke.
The cheese flavored snacks were replaced with Orville's Smart Pop popcorn.
We left the rubber gloves as Grandma insisted they'd work well when eating the cherries.
D. THE DEADLY DINING ROOM TABLE
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We removed the chocolate-foiled objects and nuts and filled the Carnival-glass with small fresh fruits. One kumquat was so fresh that Grandma swore it tried to kiss her.
E. THE BEASTLY BATHING AREA
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We tossed the avocado, removed the chocolate candy and went with an ocean theme. Grandma loved the overhaul and didn't mind relinquishing her standard magazine for the poster of Seahunt - a wonderful old show that starred the best actor that ever lived, Lloyd Bridges.
F. THE BEWILDERING BEDROOM
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We left Grandma's 'whips' alone as they are low in fat and actually make a wise smack - we mean, SNACK!
The chocolates, Irish Whiskey and cigar were never found but we did discover a rather large hole in one of Grandma's over-stuffed pillows.
G. THE BEASTLY RIDE
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We sorted through the fast food coupons, leaving the Subway, Chic-fil-a and the "Woasted Wings" coupons in tact.
The Belly's were donated to a local fund raiser where the lucky winner correctly guessed how many beans were in the glass container.
So as you can see, with a little altering of products we were able to pull Grandmother from Level Red to Level Green in a flash! You can work the same magic on your diet!
But in the event that all else fails, seal yourself in a safe room that contains non-threatening foods and spring water. Use that duct tape to mask the exits so you'll have to think twice before escaping. Oh - and most importantly, leave a window open so you can breathe.
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