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Holiday Dieting - A Diet Christmas Carol, One Dickens of a Diet Story

Act 1

Edna Weezer's diet was dead, deader than a doornail. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. That cheese Danish for breakfast, those cheese enchiladas for lunch, and those 3 hunks of rum raisin cake testified of such.

Edna drew herself closer into the warmth of her full-length imitation fur jacket, wishing it were a couple of sizes larger as she staggered through the blinding blizzard to the marketplace. She was in dire need of warmth, and thoughts filled her head of the broccoli cheese soup that she would make later that evening for her supper.

In her haste, she stumbled into two elderly men, both their faces lit with a smile.

"Their faces are hung that way due to the frozen tundra-like air hanging in the evening shadows," Edna silently decided, fussing at the men for blocking her path and detaining her journey. "No doubt their faces are frozen in time," she added, her mood not to be reckoned with.

"Good day, kind madam!" they simultaneously greeted her, tipping their stove-pipe hats.

"Bah! Doodlebug! Out of my way!" Edna demanded, shoving them away with her arms, unsuccessfully so.

"A penny for the new Village health spa?" they inquired, faces hopeful and still smiling.

Edna scowled. A rotting little health spa was the last thing this village needed!  How dare the political hierarchies squander the town's funds on machines that made one pump and sweat. Yes, there were times when pumping and sweating rendered good, thrilling things, but a health spa wasn't one of those situations.

"Out of my way, I say to you again!" she tossed out, seeking an egress to pass these begging looters. They should be outlawed, them and their ludicrous health spa.

"But madam, a health spa will bring about better health, longer life and great joy to the village-"

"Life? Humph! Health nuts should do this world a favor by quickly decreasing the surplus population!"

Edna felt a rod of satisfaction echo through her as both men's faces suddenly thawed and revolved into a horrified stance.

"Now be gone! Leave me alone! Looters - you stinking sons of bench pressers!"

Edna clamored on by, then swiftly collected her ingredients for broccoli cheese soup. The aged cheddar looked rather lovely this evening, a delicious golden hue. My, her soup would be tasty....

Act II

By the time she reached home, the gray skies loomed overhead with the promise of snow. Nonetheless, it was Christmas Eve and the blasted threat of snow was as predictable as a pocket on a possum.

Amid placing the skeleton key into the door of her humble abode, she suddenly gasped and darted backwards as her carp's head door knocker suddenly transformed into a head of cabbage with eyes..... A cabbage head without a doll"s body. Totally frightening, with or without the body; however, the ominous circumstance was unexpected.

"Remember me, Edna Weezer?" the cabbage eased out in a voice that sounded five days dead.

"Wha....what?" Edna managed to gasp, totally terrified.

"I am your diet, dear Edna - your dead diet.  Ringing a bell, yet?"

Suddenly, the cabbage head faded, transforming back into a door knocker. Edna gazed at the carp's head, thinking that it looked a little green around the gills. Yes, that was it - an illusion. A door knocker illusion! Tarnish does that. And her thoughts were a bit scattered due to poor nutrition; those cheese enchiladas were swiftly wearing off.

She entered the cold house and quickly set one imitation quick-light log in the hearth, then scampered into the dark kitchen to prepare her broccoli cheese soup. Fifteen minutes later she was resting by the fire, wrapped in a paisley blanket and feeling as warm and fuzzy as the bunny house slippers she had popped onto her feet.

"Edna Weeeeeeezzzeeeerrrrr...."

Edna bolted up straighter that a cheese stick, widening her eyes as she viewed a cabbage head floating before her, heavy chains entwined around its wilted leaves.

Stunned, she was forced to listen as the cabbage told her, "Tonight three Diet Spirits will come to visit thee. Be forewarned! You must change your evil Diet Ways by Christmas Day or your future cannot be altered."

And then the cabbage head vanished before her, Edna quickly recovering.

"Bah! Doodlebug! Another illusion," she mumbled, deciding that her apparition was connected to lack of sleep.

She went to bed, burying herself in the covers of warmth, settling into a deep and peaceful sleep.

"Bong, Bong," sang out the bell tower. Two am in the morning....

"Edna Weezer, wake up," a young voice beckoned. "It is time to visit your Diet Christmas Past."

Edna bolted up in bed, feeling discombobulated. She was seeing things again, but this time, not cabbage heads. It was a Diet Fairy with the words Diet Bites written on its wings; 'Diet' on one wing and 'Bites' on the other wing.

"Forevermore," Edna blurted out through her dazed state. This couldn"t be more imagining, could it? No, it must be a gas attack from too much broccoli in the soup this evening.

And then she was floating, but not from the gas. The fairy magically opened the bedroom window and Edna was spiraling away through space with the Diet Bites' diet fairy, to visit her past...her Diet Christmas Past...... continue reading this holiday story