And just how serious is the problem? Well, here's how the scoop unveiled:
We began and ended our journey at our innocent-looking grandmother's house.....
We also started our search within her humble kitchen pantry - which 'factually may' resemble other humble kitchens across our great nation, one that is currently consuming a great amount of sugar and fat. Here is what we uncovered amid our investigation.
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 2 cans of bona fide lard, 1 bag of Grandmother's Cookies, and lots of bags stenciled with little elves and hollow trees. We also discovered bags of fried potatoes which were labeled 'chips' as well as fried corn which were labeled 'chips'. There were no rice cakes, popcorn cake or pretzel rods to be found.
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 1 carton of rocky road ice cream that held the picture of a popular cow, 2 jars of hot fudge topping, 1 carton of whipping crème and one jar of cherries in extra thick syrup labeled, "Who's Your Mama?".
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 3-liter bottle of non-diet soda pop, 1 king-size bag of cheese flavored snacks (extra crunchy variety), and 1 pair of rubber gloves inset with rhinestones (Grandma is a huge Ronco fan).
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 1 Carnival-glass candy dish filled with chocolate objects wrapped in foil and labeled, "Who's Your Daddy?" AND 1 can of mixed nuts that were shelled, salted, roasted & coated with honey.
We are happy to report that Grandma learned her lesson where nut shell casings are concerned after losing a perfectly good set of her favorite dentures when trying to crack a Brazil nut. Whenever she recants the memory she laughs, "What a nutty moment."
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 1 bottle filled with a mysterious looking green potion labeled, "Garden of Evening", 1 half-eaten avocado, more foiled candy shoved into the soap dish, and one Over the Hill Playtime Magazine.
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED: 1 bag of opened licorice whips tucked inside a honed-leather pouch, one half-eaten box of milk and white chocolates, a fifth of Irish Whiskey and one, half-lit cigar.
DIET BITES ADVISORY SYSTEM
WMD's POSITIVELY IDENTIFIED:a thick envelope filled with fast food coupons, 5 pounds of Jelly Bellys, and an empty Styrofoam coffee cup that once held a frothy fatty object.
We highly suspect a full blown mocha coffee with caramel undertones.
As a preventive measure to defend yourself against these WMD's (Weapons of Massive Dietception), Diet Bites has formulated the table to the right of your screen for Quick Treat Attack Reference.
Make a special note that the months of November & December will always be at LEVEL RED for SEVERE Treat Attacks!
We highly recommend that in the event of a Level Red that you apply duct tape over the lips to ensure total resistance.
For Level Orange, leave tape hanging to one side of mouth for swift application in the event of a full blown Treat Attack (i.e. Level Red).
Level Yellow Alert should indicate that you Stop, Look - and yes, even Listen to your duct tape. If bored, draw a smiley on it. Preparation!
During Level Blue you should refuel on spring water and prepare for those higher levels of attacks that are guaranteed to come your way.
Level Green's require substitution of lettuce & other leafy objects for Threatening Treats.
Level Green usually ensues annually, after January 1st and lasts until February 14th, Valentine's Day.
It is the safest Threat Alert in our Advisory System.
In the event that you find our Advisory System too confusing, you may wish to incorporate some of the 'quick fixes' we used at Grandmother's house.
Quick Fixes for the Sly Old Fox
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We removed the lard and replaced it with 1 can of non-stick cooking spray. We also stocked the pantry with tasty healthy treats such as caramel flavored popcorn cakes, beef jerky and dried fruits, including prunes.
Unfortunately, Grandma managed to polish off two bags of the elvin cookies before we could rescue those. And it was a double whammy because the cat hid the duct tape.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We had to pry the rocky road from Grandma's withered, well-manicured hands and replace it with tangy orange sherbet.
Removed whipping crème and replaced with fat-free whipped topping.
Removed fudge topping and replaced with chunky applesauce and cinnamon. Sometimes Grandma likes to go wild with the cinnamon.
After examining the jar of cherries, we opted to leave those for Special Treat Time. At 10 calories each, they can't do that much diet damage.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: 3-liter bottle of soda pop replaced with Diet Vanilla Coke.
The cheese flavored snacks were replaced with Orville's Smart Pop popcorn.
We left the rubber gloves as Grandma insisted they'd work well when eating the cherries.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We removed the chocolate-foiled objects and nuts and filled the Carnival-glass with small fresh fruits. One kumquat was so fresh that Grandma swore it tried to kiss her.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We tossed the avocado, removed the chocolate candy and went with an ocean theme. Grandma loved the overhaul and didn't mind relinquishing her standard magazine for the poster of Seahunt - a wonderful old show that starred the best actor that ever lived, Lloyd Bridges.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We left Grandma's 'whips' alone as they are low in fat and actually make a wise smack - we mean, SNACK!
The chocolates, Irish Whiskey and cigar were never found but we did discover a rather large hole in one of Grandma's over-stuffed pillows.
WMD's POSITIVE ACTION: We sorted through the fast food coupons, leaving the Subway, Chic-fil-a and the "Woasted Wings" coupons in tact.
The Belly's were donated to a local fund raiser where the lucky winner correctly guessed how many beans were in the glass container.
So as you can see, with a little altering of products we were able to pull Grandmother from Level Red to Level Green in a flash! You can work the same magic on your diet!
But in the event that all else fails, seal yourself in a safe room that contains non-threatening foods and spring water. Use that duct tape to mask the exits so you'll have to think twice before escaping.
Oh - and most importantly, leave a window open so you can breathe.
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