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Pirate Dieting, Mutiny & One Sweet Dieting Treasure Map ~ The Saga Continues
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"IT" happened. And you had sensed 'it' from the moment you had entered the pungent-smelling waiting room at the doctor's office - even as you settled in for the three hour wait to see 'His Medical Highness'.
You remembered that frightful moment as if it were yesterday, even though it was today....
He had said, "Look, Sinbad. It's time to pull your sails; time to put you into shackles and chains; time to put you on a diet."
You wanted to cry, the grown man that you are, as you watched that boat-load of cupcakes with the crème centers go sailing by - fading off into the medicinal fog-like vapors of the room, along with the barges that were loaded high with original fried chicken and tangy buffalo wings...
About the Diet Pirate Map: Note the cross-arrow, making our starting point. See how confusing dieting can be? The 'Idiot Arrow' is pointed in all the directions of the wind. There is not a clearly marked path. Nonetheless, please ignore the arrow and head northwesterly.s
- Take care, for we are entering the backyard of the Perverted Pizza Maker. He's a very cheesy sort-of-guy. Perverted generally makes a lot of money from non-dieting citizens, and as we know, dough makes the hands a bit sticky. And you just can't trust a man whose fingers smell like garlic, so let's trip on by this person in the funny-looking hat. By the way, is anyone missing a rabbit?
- As we travel northwesterly, we suddenly find ourselves entering the Trail of the Three Winnies. Oscar, Bryan, and Rath are looking very studly today, aren't they? Nice buns, too. The sunshades have that, "Come and bite me look". But as you can see, if we veer towards this trail, we'll end up in a never-ending diet loop, sucked into the blackhole of diet failure and deceptive-looking food filled with pork's nostrils and penile parts.
Therefore, simply ignore these Three Winnies, just as you did the Perverted Pizza Maker, and let's trek northward.
The Boss-Looking Pirate Diet Map
The diet treasure map above is filled with symbolic reasoning. Let's interpret the illustration, shall we?
- Ahhh, we now come into contact with a Diet Bites tiny apple! So cute, so healthy, so full of nutrients that only one per day will keep that pesky His Medical Highness away! This trail is fun, isn't it?
- But don't get too comfy because some nuts are starting to block our way. As you can see, this is yet another suckhole along the Old Diet Trail, so resist and continue eastward.
- Okay. Who cut the cheese? Didn't even bother to wrap it up, either. All those aromatic cheesy vapors surrounding us. How can we resist this temptation? But we must! Onward and forward....
- OMG! Look very closely at the trail. We may need our mommies because there is suddenly a very big bad wolf in our trail! Gasp! Yikes! Fiddlesticks! Pretzel sticks, too! And he has donuts for eyes. And..and what is that on his nose? Is this Rudolph Wolf, perchance?
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No...that's a lovely candied cherry, and those are sure tasty. Can we resist? Do we need to fall back into the trail? No...we'd only plough into the lovely Valley of the BIG Cheese. I fear we could not resist a second tempting. Even now, the pungent vapors are wafting towards us. So let us hasten! Onward and southward we shall go - past the donuts, past the cherry, past Slobberlips Waterfall.
Filled with the intensity of the moment, you wanted to pull out your cannon and blow His Medical Highness away, but his white-clad, virginal form was suddenly replaced with Nurse Know-It-All. And my she looked severe today, so frightening in her black horn-rimmed glasses; so frightening that she could have scared some innocent soul into having a massive coronary. Perhaps two or three.
Pirate Dieting - So a diet is inevitable, it seems. Just when things were going so peachy-king. Your image isn't that important to you because you are very secure with how you look, you handsome devil you.
Nor were you concerned about blowing up your upper arms to Popeye-status, and creating firm biceps and Viking-strong thighs. Nonetheless, His Medical Highness claims that unless we ditch some weight, we may land in a permanent ditch ourselves, so whether we like it or not, it's off to The Old Diet Trail. But you turn around and suddenly we has transformed into one lone Sinbad. Alone. No more 'we'. You are suddenly alone. Suddenly lost, stranded and alone on The Old Diet Trail.
But don't panic because on the following page, you'll see the poorly drawn, but exceptionally brilliant map that we have crafted in an attempt to help you wade through the nonsense. It's not a Yellow Brick Road, and you won't find lions, or tigers, or bears along the byways, or even a groovy Tinman. However, there are a few scarecrows, and we've added yellow to 'The Voluptuous One's hair...
- We suddenly see another lovely Diet Bites apple. Yum!
- Mustard 'n Biscuits? Are you sure that is mustard? Careful - don't step into the puddles for this may be an awful trick. These puddles may be filled with high calorie Mayo rather than innocent looking mustard. So, be very careful....
- OMG! Look very closely to our right. Maybe Rudolph Wolf wasn't drooling over the donuts, rather the shapely goddess planted next to the poorly drawn, graphical weight scales that are topped with equally poorly drawn four-forked arrows, arrows that mark the end of our adventurous journey.
The purpose of the Treasure Map was to illustrate that if one is true to their diet, the weight loss rewards will be great! Dieting is never easy, but it should be fun. When an individual is losing weight because they want to enhance their appearance, or because they want to feel better, they have a certain edge because these issues are fantastic motivators.
However, when an individual is basically 'ordered' or 'given a diet prescription, then they have a very rocky and tough road ahead of them. This is the absolute worst type of dieting scenario.
Although potential 'health risks' can be a motivator, this type of dieting is generally thrust upon an individual and they may feel that they had no 'input' in the dieting decision.
However, with courage, Willpower, and determination, anyone seeking weight loss can certainly reach their goals. And that's good news.
If you happen to be on this rocky boat, sail the seas with Diet Bites and we'll do our best to keep you motivated, Matey!
In closing, the map also illustrates that blonds certainly DO have brains, and that not all seas are filled with deadly sharks. Sometimes along the way, there are sunken treasure chests to be found...
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